Sometimes I wonder why I'm sober.

I have come up with many, many reasons to be sober, but I don't think they hold the answer. Your average stoner could come up with many reasons to be sober too.

My first girlfriend was the first of my friends to start drinking, or at least the first who told me. In our nightly calls, she described how she had drank enough to get buzzed, and loved the feeling. I remember feeling a new feeling then, one that I don't think I can put a name to. Not anger or jealousy, but maybe sadness. Or disgust. The feeling of my childlike sense of right meeting adult reality.

That feeling kept me off alcohol. This was the first reason for my sobriety.

But she would not remain my only friend that partook for long. Eventually, every social gathering would have a smoke break, with a group splitting off to an area out of sign and coming back stoned. It started out small, only 2 or 3, but eventually the group had become so big only myself and maybe a couple friends would be left once they decided it was time for a hit. Our group party's would become defined by a lonely intermission, poking at the bonfire and sharing the time with those who remained. I would wonder what I was missing out on - the fun I wouldn't get to experience.

As the sober guy, the occasional friend would come to me to talk about their issues with alcohol or weed. We would sit and talk about how it made them anxious, how their first time had gone so horribly awry that they hoped to never do it again. Often they would leave the conversation with a newfound goal to be sober with me. But whenever the party would next split for their weed walk, they wouldn't be amongst those that stayed.

By this time I had long lost that sense of childlike discomfort at the prospect of drugs. But I still remained sober, and I don't really know why.

Something I liked about staying sober was that it meant I got to drive everyone home. I had some very good conversations with my very stoned friends on those drives. Sometimes better conversations than they would have sober.

My first month of college I didn't make any friends. After many times going to punk shows in hopes of finding some, I was invited to a smoke circle. I passed the blunt when it came my way. They talked to me about joining the socialist org. In this new step in my life, I would keep the mantle of sober.

As a fan of the punk scene, I sometimes would call myself and be called straight edge. I think its a useful term, but I usually say sober. Straight edge has the connotation I do this for moral reasons, as a response against the scourge of drugs in punk. I don't think that's my reasoning.

I have a friend - maybe 6 or 7 years older than me - who loves alcohol. As a hobby, he would make mead in his basement. During trips I took with him, he would lecture me about the different types of alcohols, what their ingredients are and how their made. He would shop at the local brewers, go to local mead competitions, and eventually find a job at a brewery. I very much enjoyed out chats.

So, to get back to the question.

I think I'm still sober because I've made it this long. Because whenever I have the opportunity to get high, whenever I have the need for some social lubricant, I just think "I haven't needed it before".

Being sober has obvious benefits - no hangovers, brain fog, and its much lighter on the wallet. But what I most appreciate is it gives me the opportunity to be social, to have fun with others and step outside my comfort zone without the need of inebriation. When people describe the wonderful feeling of staring at the stars while stoned out of their mind, I think to myself that I would rather be the person who can deeply appreciate the stars without a hit than the guy who cant.

To all my friends that use - test your substances, use responsibly, have a friend like me who can drive you home. Stare at the stars while sober once in a while and see how much you like it.